Nowadays, you have to be proactive if you want to avoid spoilers for an anticipated movie, television episode, or video game. However, there is such a thing as being too proactive, which can easily spill over into full-blown spoiler paranoia. If you're the kind of person who covers their ears and runs screaming from the room at the mere mention of a game or show you're interested in, please join us as we mock your hypersensitivity in another edition of Spoilers for Stupid People.
Call of Duty: Advanced
Warfare
Spoiler: America Is Still
#1!
I haven't played a single minute of Sledgehammer Games' futuristic take on Call of Duty, and the only thing I know about the narrative
is that your character is the illegitimate love child of Rambo and the
Terminator (at least he will be if Sledgehammer's writers know what they're
doing). Despite my brazen ignorance, I'm still fairly certain I know every plot
point of Advanced Warfare, and will spoil it for you now: Evil terrorists have
attacked the world because they hate freedom, and it's up to a ragtag group of
surviving American soldiers to settle the score by using impractical but
totally awesome mech suits. However, saving the day will require the sacrifice
of one of your fellow soldiers (most likely while riding in a helicopter),
casting a somber light on your victory – until the wacky rap song plays during
the credits. Also, Kevin Spacey will play an even smarmier jerk than he usually
does.
Alien: Isolation
Spoiler: The Alien Wins
The Creative Assembly's upcoming survival-horror game pits
Ellen Ripley's daughter against a single xenomorph in a deadly game of cat and
mouse. However, there's no way the mouse can possibly win; Alien: Isolation
falls in between the original Alien andAliens, which means you're totally screwed.
Thanks to James Cameron's action-infused sequel, we know there are still aliens
around after the events of the game, so you clearly aren't stopping the
xenomorph threat. After all, no one ever stops
the alien; Sigourney Weaver tried for like four movies in a row and couldn't
do it, and she's a total badass – we doubt her mystery daughter is going to
fare any better.
Middle-earth: Shadow
of Mordor
Spoiler: You're Going
To Get A Magic Ring
So far, Monolith has played down many of the fantasy
elements of Shadow of Mordor's source material; most of the trailers and
gameplay videos have instead focused on slicing, stabbing, and decapitating the
crap out of orcs. However, Shadow of Mordor is still based on The Lord of the
Rings, which – as the name implies – is a fantasy series about of a bunch of magic
rings. There's no way those things aren't showing up; expect to run across at
least a couple of awesome-sounding rings, which will end up being major
disappointments when you equip them and find out that they only offer mediocre
buffs to your character.
Halo: The Master
Chief Collection
Spoiler: You Still Suck
At Multiplayer
The Master Chief Collection brings all of the numbered Halo
installments to the new generation. However, even with 1080p graphics running
at a rock-solid 60 frames per second and the increased precision of the Xbox
One controller, you're still going to get walloped by a bunch of
racist 12-year-olds in Halo's multiplayer. But hey, at least you'll be able to
marvel at how great Master Chief's shiny armor looks as your prepubescent
opponents repeatedly crouch on your corpse's face.
Far Cry 4
Spoiler: PETA Is
Going To Hate This Game
As anyone who has excelled
at Far Cry 3 knows, the most dangerous enemies in Ubisoft Montreal's
open-world action games tend to walk on four legs (except for those damned
cassowaries). Far Cry 4 ups nature's fury with rhinos and elephants, but don't
expect to ride a massive beast into war without a tongue lashing from PETA. The
organization's crusade for the ethical treatment of animals doesn't stop at
real life – they've also complained about Nintendo's virtual pocket
monsters, Mario's
Tanooki suit, and characters made of sentient meat. Wait,
aren't we all just sentient meat? Either way, don't be surprised if PETA tries
to rain on your parade through Kryat with a crudely made minigame about how
elephants are nature's gentle giants.
Coming Up Next: More terrible spoilers to torment your dimwitted friends with...