Video game characters and their respective series only have one true lifeblood: monetary success. As long as they keep making money, they'll stay alive. But what if video game franchises and their beloved mascots adhered to the laws of nature? We've done some serious scientific research to find out the real-world lifespans of your favorite video game animals.
[Editor's note: My serious scientific research includes taking the first hit on Google as the gospel/truth.]
Crash Bandicoot - 3-Year Lifespan
Bandicoots only last about three years, which is just about
the amount of time Crash stayed with its parent developer, Naughty Dog (if you
don't count strapping a wild animal into a go-kart and calling it Crash Team
Racing). After Naughty Dog abandoned their once-beloved mascot, the critter's
quality of life slowly yet surely began to erode.
Snake - 8-Year Lifespan
Whether you're referring to Solid, Liquid, or Liquid Snake,
there's no doubt Hideo Kojima's slithery stealth masters have far outlived
their real-life namesakes. The series has been around for 27 years, and
dedicated fans who manage to wade through the convoluted yet entertaining story
have perhaps come to realize that comparing the franchise's lifespan to an
actual snake is folly. It appears that Metal Gear is eternal, and perhaps more
comparable to the mythological Ouroboros – the serpent eating its own tail.
Epona - 30 years
Link's loyal steed has only been part of the franchise since
Ocarina of Time's debut in 1998, but in the intervening 15 years she's become a
legend. Thankfully, should Link decide to continue calling on her she's got
about another 15 years' worth left in her tank. Hopefully, riding her too
roughly during the Lon Lon Ranch races hasn't shaved too many years off of her.
PaRappa the Rapper - 15-Year Lifespan
Let's assume that PaRappa's floppy ears and middling build
puts him somewhere in the beagle family of dogs. If that's the case, then the
little rhyming hound must have been twiddling his paws for the rest of his life
following the flash-in-the pan late '90s success. And that's only assuming PaRappa
didn't become yet another victim of the canine gang violence of the era.
Ecco the Dolphin - 40-Year Lifespan
The Sega Genesis is home to a library of quirky
side-scrollers, and high among them is the story of Ecco. This intelligent sea
mammal avoided an untimely fate while the rest of his family was sucked up from
the ocean into space by the terrifying Vortex Queen. Assuming most players
didn't complete the incredibly confusing, challenging aquatic epic, Ecco has
spent the last 22 years searching the ocean for his lost family, and he's got
another 18 healthy years of crushing loneliness in front of him.
Earthworm Jim - 8-Year Lifespan
Jim was just a lowly worm until he happened upon an
empowering mechanized spacesuit that turned him into a hero. While his career
died during the N64 era, Jim himself would've become one with the earth
somewhere around 2002.
Up next: Non-animals and teenage reptiles...