The developers at Namco Bandai have the greatest job in the world. Pretty much any crazy idea they have for a Tekken character gets the green light. Case in point: The next 11 characters. These guys and gals (and animals?!) have no place in a fighting game, and I'm more than willing to spend some time pointing out why. Want an idea of how bad it gets? The old guy named Wang didn't even make the list...
Alisa
Bosconovich
Fighting Style:
Special
Important Info:
Alisa is from a secret research facility run by the Mishima Zaibatsu corporation.
It's located deep in an unnamed forest, where Alisa was being held in a capsule
in the basement of the facility. The official Tekken website says everything
else about Alisa is a mystery, which is writing code for "That's as far as we
thought this character through."
Analysis: At
first glance I thought Alisa was an angel, until I remembered there's an actual
angel character in the series. Instead, Alisa is some kind of stupid fairy –
only her wings are robotic. So she's a stupid robot fairy?
All of this begs the question: Why is a stupid robot fairy in a fighting game? I don't think even Namco Bandai knows the answer to that, which is why they listed her fighting style as "Special." I'm sure it's special, all right.
Combot
Fighting Style:
Still Learning
Important Info: Combot
was created by a company called Violet Systems. He's designed to perform a variety
of duties, but he malfunctioned the first year he was enrolled in the King of
Iron Fist tournament, so his fighting abilities apparently need an upgrade.
Analysis: I'll
give props to Combot for his awesome name, but what the heck is with his
appearance? He looks lamer than Asimo, for crying out loud. I think his head is
literally made out of a bucket, and he can't even make a fist with his little
circle hands. Plus, Namco lists his fighting style as "Still Learning?" How
long does it take a robot to learn how to punch someone in the face?
Unless he's got some machine guns hidden up his butt like Astro Boy, I'm guessing Combot is doomed to fail like he did the first time he participated in the tournament.
Christie
Monteiro
Fighting Style: Christie
Monteiro
Important Info: Apparently
Christie joined the tournament in hopes of finding a way to save her dying
grandfather. At first Eddy was also helping her, but then he disappeared. Then
when she returned to her home country of Brazil, her grandfather disappeared
from the hospital. So she joined another tournament. Naturally.
Analysis: I don't
know why Christie thought joining (and inevitably losing) a fighting tournament
would save her sick grandpa, but the fact that everyone in her life disappears
tells us something about her. Mainly, that she's insufferable. They're not
disappearing, Christie. They're running away.
Need more evidence that Christie Monteiro doesn't belong in a fighting game? Her fighting style is labeled "Christie Monteiro." What does that even mean?! Also, put some clothes on!
Bob
Fighting Style: Free
Style Karate
Important Info:
Bob is from America. Bob is also morbidly obese. That's pretty much all the
thought Namco put into Bob – they didn't even give him a last name.
Analysis: I can
only assume Namco designed Bob as some kind of social commentary on America; if
that's the case, it's pretty funny. That doesn't justify his worth as a
fighter, however. Given the fact that Ganryu already serves the role of Tekken's
sumo wrestler, I don't see what Bob can possibly bring to the table – besides an
appetite, of course. Unless he's figured out a way to make diabetes a
contagious disease, I don't think he's a threat to Tekken's actual
fighters.
Heihachi
Mishima
Fighting Style: Heihachi
Mishima
Important Info: Heihachi
is the head of Mishima Zaibatsu, and one of the oldest and most respected
fighters of the series. In recent years, Heihachi has also been running a
secret research lab to come up with a cure for old age.
Analysis: I won't
disrespect Heihachi's fighting prowess – if there's anyone who can pull off a
self-named fighting style, it's him. But what the hell is up with his facial hair?
Now that he's young again, his hair, eyebrows, and moustache all line up in a
series of inverted Vs. Does he seriously think that looks cool? Apparently
Heihachi's cure for old age couldn't turn back the clock on his dementia.
Coming up next: More ill-conceived characters...